give me strength
give me mercy
give me patience
give me something for god's sake.
my brother hates me. i can see it in his eyes it's obvious. i brought the fighting when i came. i stole the attention from my mother. i brought back the attempts of leaving.
he's be come my keeper, like i'm 3. telling me i shouldn't be on the internet so much, "why can't you just keep off, ya going to die?". steals the connection cord from me like i don't already know that i can't get on cuz the furniture people will be here today....
he doesn't want to answer my remarks when i tell him that the reason mom doesn't want to leave is because of him, because she doesn't want to feel like a bad mother, she doesn't want to leave anyone behind. he's old enough to comprehend that she's depressed that she really did want to leave and whatever fight she has left in her is dead. i asked him, why couldn't he have acted his age. told her that although she's leaving not to worry that he is old enough and even if it would follow through to divorce he would still have choosen dad because that's where he feels more comfortable . more comfortable with a man then 4 sqwabbling women.
why couldn't he say that?
because he's going to be 16 but acts like his 10. he has no social skills. stays in his room playing video games. is awkward with his sexuality. runs to the library to get away from us. is absolutely positively everything opposite of us girls.
i need escape more then ever.
more then that i need pot lol.
it doesn't feel right being here anymore.
my heart is becoming a heavy peeling bruised peach,
and once again i'm going to be left with a
cold hard pit
back to the beginning.