but this journal is turning friends only, ::Shruggs:: it only seems logical dont' be offended
give me strength
give me mercy
give me patience
give me something for god's sake.
my brother hates me. i can see it in his eyes it's obvious. i brought the fighting when i came. i stole the attention from my mother. i brought back the attempts of leaving.
he's be come my keeper, like i'm 3. telling me i shouldn't be on the internet so much, "why can't you just keep off, ya going to die?". steals the connection cord from me like i don't already know that i can't get on cuz the furniture people will be here today....
he doesn't want to answer my remarks when i tell him that the reason mom doesn't want to leave is because of him, because she doesn't want to feel like a bad mother, she doesn't want to leave anyone behind. he's old enough to comprehend that she's depressed that she really did want to leave and whatever fight she has left in her is dead. i asked him, why couldn't he have acted his age. told her that although she's leaving not to worry that he is old enough and even if it would follow through to divorce he would still have choosen dad because that's where he feels more comfortable . more comfortable with a man then 4 sqwabbling women.
why couldn't he say that?
because he's going to be 16 but acts like his 10. he has no social skills. stays in his room playing video games. is awkward with his sexuality. runs to the library to get away from us. is absolutely positively everything opposite of us girls.
i need escape more then ever.
more then that i need pot lol.
it doesn't feel right being here anymore.
my heart is becoming a heavy peeling bruised peach,
and once again i'm going to be left with a
cold hard pit
back to the beginning.
i feel physically ill....she tells me this morning that she's decided not to leave. that arturo doesn't want to go, and no one get's left behind...why should she take them out of their "safe haven" just to fuck them up more?
because arturo acts like dad
because cristina is nine and is drawing pictures of herself saying "i have to run away from here"
because all kasey talks about is getting her license so she can drive away and never come back.
she asks me if i'm going to be angry at her long, i look at her stupidly and spit out my toothpaste
i hope that answered her question....
well i'm bored, bored shitless, and once again had an argument (tift?) with nick....sometimes i want to kill that boy. he hurts me feeling unintentionally, but sometimes the numbers start to add up... anyway yea everyone seems to have an issue with my phone and it's because
IT'S TURNED OFF!!
and i sure as hell can't pay my bill right now so that means if you want to call me you're gonna have to call the house phone and if you want to call the house phone that means you're going to have to email me and bitch and complain and whine and maybe show a little leg and then we just maybe i'll give you the number lol.
iheartsteveburns: how are you?
iheartsteveburns: just woke up
iheartsteveburns: when someone tells you they woke up in a good mood and they took some time to think about things that usually a bad sign huh
SpoonStolen: oh boy
iheartsteveburns: i figured
iheartsteveburns: ryan i'm destined to marry you....it seems every guy i come across is so fucking dumb
iheartsteveburns: how can a person work so fucking hard to get me
iheartsteveburns: and then all of a sudden have second thoughts
iheartsteveburns: that concept doesn't work with me
SpoonStolen: who would it for?
iheartsteveburns: :shrugs: there has to be one or two dumb bitches out there
SpoonStolen: more than that
iheartsteveburns: grrrrrrrrr he went idle and didn't answer my question
iheartsteveburns: this is one of the reasons i was thinking of going lez
iheartsteveburns: it's not like it would be that hard of a transition
SpoonStolen: youd miss the cock
iheartsteveburns: not too much
iheartsteveburns: i've only had good sex from like one person
SpoonStolen: thats a damn shame
SpoonStolen: think about all the things youd miss out on!
iheartsteveburns: well....i've slept with 9 people and only one could get it really right, that doesn't give me hope for the rest of the population
SpoonStolen: you going les would be such a waste
iheartsteveburns: how so?
SpoonStolen: you obviously were built mentally and physically for male enjoyment
iheartsteveburns: mentally they just give me a headache
iheartsteveburns: and thanks to a handy dandy dildo i don't need a real dick
iheartsteveburns: and plus it seems lately all guys want to do is stick it up my ass anyway
iheartsteveburns: they can go get themselves a guy and have a balll
iheartsteveburns: they won't miss me
SpoonStolen: i guess you avoid the cum mess with the dildo to
iheartsteveburns: eh ::shruggs:: cum is fun
SpoonStolen: im yer man then
SpoonStolen: <------over abundance
iheartsteveburns: you just might have to be if i keep up my whole dating scoreboard keeps going the way it does
iheartsteveburns: my horoscope for today
iheartsteveburns: Wherever you are, the good times will start tonight. Yes, it seems a little early, and no, you don't usually behave this way. Isn't that wonderfully liberating? You go!
iheartsteveburns: first off if i'm behaving bad, it's a normal thing
iheartsteveburns: and second off what am i going to do? have a jammy jam with my little brothers and sisters?
iheartsteveburns: oh yea we'll get really bad
iheartsteveburns: i think my whole life is my own fault
iheartsteveburns: when i was younger i prayed everynight and said i would give anything for two things
iheartsteveburns: to be pretty
iheartsteveburns: and two
SpoonStolen: yer prayers were answered
SpoonStolen: and then some
iheartsteveburns: so it seems
iheartsteveburns: but i think the price i have to pay is i can't actually be in any relationship
iheartsteveburns: and when i fall in love it won't be returned
iheartsteveburns: sounds about the right price to be for something superficial
SpoonStolen: youve got plenty of time yet
SpoonStolen: we're still young
iheartsteveburns: true, but it makes you kinda skeptical when you can even get love from your family
SpoonStolen: its tuff to try to make you feel better when you keep knockin down anything like that i say
iheartsteveburns: that's why you're the best
iheartsteveburns: thanks for trying
iheartsteveburns: i know i'm a pain in the ass to talk to
ok ok maybe i do have to work on my cuddling skills for the simple fact that i'm just use to throwing them out of the room when i'm done...ooops? lmao
he ended it before i could even get started....sounds about accurate to the pattern i call life.
i'm not leaving to jersey till oct nov and on top of that i have to go to california for school
went to samuel's bday party this saturday. roller skated (for the first time in my life), ran away from a stupid evil face painting clown, played games like a atlantic city feind, spent all my winnings on candy, ate good soup lotts of tostonies and then took a nap in a chair, and that's about it i think. i looked cute too and got complimented on my "muscular arms" bahaha, yea right, muscular? must be all those curls i'm doing when dipping my chips in the salsa. lol
because i'm a genius and geniuses tend to do mysterious things that most people don't get i spilled half a pot of boiling water onto my stomach. i know, sometimes i surprise myself. lol. i'm fine, well i was fine until i looked at the mark this morning. yesterday it was pretty much fine and i just layed in bed after cooling it and then putting some ointment on it. but today it's all purple like and blistery and not cute at all. i have some in my belly button, but it isn't too bad. i think the only good thing that's come out of this is that i had to stay in my bed all day and with that i became bored and started to write a song. this my friends is not normal, because i'm not entirely secure of my writing skills without the company of one or more musical geniuses. unfortunately none of them were at hand. the song i wrote though, mysteriously has that bluesy vibe i've grown up with (well have surrounded my life in). this is the first song that i've written that isn't popish and i'm rather proud of it, though i don't think you would see the bluesyness of it by just reading the lyrics, but here they are anyway.
everything to me (what you expected?)
so ms. thang,
here you are
was he what you expected?
thin white thighs
so easy to take those first steps
can't take him home
but you can't leave him alone
your love bloomed at 15
and here you are now,
he's got a child
you don't want to hurt
but it'll cost too much to leave
and he is everything
from his crooked smile, to that scent that drives me wild
but he's got his own thang
can't get back time, no, can't rewind
so ms. thang,
here you are
was it what you expected?
we curse and scream,
say shit we don't mean
got me questioning our worth now
don't matter no more
cuz i'm going away
and seem you've got much to say
well i don't want to hear it
what's done is done
and we had our fun
so i'll leave, and you'll walk away
but he is everything
from the milkyway to the stupid things he says
but he's got his own thang
no room for me in his new family
(chorus 1 repeat 2x)
so ms. thang,
here you are,
what was you expectin?
it's a little rough, but over all i like the feel of it, and the way i sing it, it flows. hopefully i can find someone who can conjure up some blues music for me, that would be nice. nuff for now